Posted by Gordon (other posts) on January 24, 2014 at 17:05:57:
In Reply to: Boyfriend's new short haircut posted by Rob on January 24, 2014 at 07:27:04:
> I'm trying to make peace with my boyfriend's new 2" haircut that he showed up with little warning last weekend. I know it's just hair and in theory it shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm still finding myself feeling occasionally sad, depressed, or hurt. Wherever we went, we were always the longhair couple, and now that won't be the case anymore. I'm almost expecting the "When are you going to get YOUR hair cut, Rob?" comments. Of course our relationship has been based on more than just both of us being longhairs, but that particular detail mattered to me. Anybody else been through this and have some perspective to offer? Thanks, Rob
I think there are several questions that come immediately into MY mind on this one.
First, had he discussed with you the possibility of him getting his hair cut? You say "little" warning, but did he really just "do" it?
Second, did he realize how important his long mane was to the way you felt about him, and you as a couple? Was this an unspoken thing that you just PRESUMED he understood?
Third, did you tell him how saddened/disappointed/betrayed you felt by his cutting off his mane? What was his explanation/excuse/reaction to that? Did he regret having cut it? Is he planning to regrow it?
Fourth, is this change on his part his way of telling you that the rest of your relationship no longer really matters much to him, either? Maybe it's time to move on. Of course, relationships (to be successful) have to work at BOTH ends.
Your point about it being "just hair" isn't a good one. For a man to have long hair, and/or a long beard, isn't really an inconsequential thing like which shirt one decides to put on in the morning. It SAYS something about who that man is, and over a longish period of time. It says that he is willing to be different, and that he has confidence in his OWN tastes and his own sense of look and style.
When a man cuts his hair or shaves off his beard, it's NORMAL for you to be saddened. Either your friend is really no longer who he used to be, or (perhaps even more seriously) maybe never really WAS who you thought and hoped he was.
And maybe part of what made you special together as a couple just isn't important to him anymore.
Did he INTEND to hurt you? Did he just not care? Was he just clueless about how much his look meant to you? What does HE want to see happen next as far as your relationship with him goes, and is that a change that YOU are willing to accept?
One of the big things I really don't like about exclusive, monogamous relationships is that they tend to create dependency, and that usually results in possessiveness and jealousy. I think that there are advantages to keeping your options open, and to having more friends and relationships around you so that you always have a large, close, support group no matter what happens.
I guess I've offered more questions than answers, but hopefully I can at least focus your thoughts on the questions that YOU need to ask (him, and yourself) in deciding your path forward.